Voyages 13 Nov 2005 10:39 am
A Story, A Message.
It has become a cliche’ to say, “if I only had a rich Uncle.” I had an Aunt. She died last summer and I inherited her estate. Although she had a lot of stuff, she was not rich. Years ago I heard the term, “Affluent Poor.” You have seen the commercial of the smiling man talking about all the stuff he has and membership to the country club,then he says, “somebody help me, I’m in debt up to my eyeballs!” The affluent poor has a lot of things but no money. That describes my aunt. She had a lot of stuff. The house was a collection center for items gathered resulting in the deaths of those who went before her. From her mother, my Grandmother, to her husband and her son.
As I searched through the house, packing as I went, a story unfolded, and a message came through. At least to me, a message from a sad story. It didn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Letters, notes and incomplete diaries dating back to World War II reveal the attitudes, mindsets, and crys for help or at least an understanding of the need for guidance of the individual authors.
Books and pamphlets from the “AA” to psychic self-help to miracle diets and natural drugs,minerals and vitamins were scattered throughout the house and bookcases and nightstands. Some of these findings confirmed my suspicions while others surprised me and told me some things I did not know.
The story is for another post.
The message is for this post.
I was struck by the devastation to the family that selfishness, self-indulgents, and self-righteousness can have. The two who meant well, tried to do the right things, forgiving and helpful to a fault, could not overcome the other. In fact, they enabled the “self” ish individuals. They “all” were so caught up in the issues they themselves created, that they missed the more important and bigger picture. Family. Friends..at least six..it takes that many to carry your casket some day. 
The two major holidays are upon us. A time we get together with people we don’t see too often and aren’t in our immediate lives as well as with those we are closest too and tend to gravitate to by the end of the day. But this is an opportunity to nurture, heal, and revive those relationships. And when the holidays are over, when the easy opportunity has passed, that is the time to extend and continue the contact and overcome taking for granted, the relationships we have. Family or friends.
Phone calls, letters, and e-mail are nice and convenient and easy to do. Especially in the pace of the life we have. Some even have difficulty doing that. But to take action and time to get more involved in the relationship will take more effort and sacrifice of our time and self. What am I talking about?
More time with my loved ones and close friends. Lunch, dinner, helping with projects like painting, repairs, yard work, hobbies, movies…one on one or as a gathering. Setting aside differences and personal issues and getting more involved with each other personally and socially to nurture the relationship and give it value worth sacrificing for.
God knows I have plenty of projects around my house I could use some help with. But I know I am not the only one who could use some help with something, or just needs a break and have some fun going to a show, shopping, walking through the Plaza and having a drink, shooting pool, racing go-carts, roller skating, boating, and yes…even dancing.
I kind of feel like George Bailey from “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I see what is really important now that I have seen what happens and can happen if I don’t change some things personally.
Life is too short to “put off” spending time together.
The story from Phoenix tells me that. She died alone.
on 14 Nov 2005 at 2:14 am 1.Administrator said …
There are so many responses I have to this . Some are private, some are fine for this forum.
I wonder how much of that enabling family felt they were helping at the time, and I wonder what they weren’t willing to face at the time.
Whether it be gambling, alcoholism or depression, it isn’t these objects people face, but themselves. For example, I realize now I didn’t decide to quite smoking cigarettes, I decided to quite needing them. The adjustment was internal, not just the physical act of quitting.
I see getting together in several different lights. The one I’ll leave for now is that I really appreciate visits that are somewhat separated, so that I don’t underestimate the time spent together.
It seems important to get together often enough to not have to relearn that person’s life, but enjoy what they are up to. Balance, as I get older, becomes one of the most important things to keep an eye on (followed by the intense importance of tipping the scales occasionally to reset the priority list, as it were).
An interesting thing to point out is that normally, by now, there would be grandkids hanging around. In your mind, you remember large family gatherings, and some of that was predicated by a new generation of parents who were basically stopping by to get a break from the kids.
None of your children have started that process (yet), but I noticed as soon as Aunt Diane’s children started having kids, she had a new sense of togetherness. It’s not to say we shouldn’t be getting together more often, but I’m pointing out that in your history, families were started by each of Melody, Phillup and I’s ages.
Something tells me that once that process begins, a certain level of ‘reinvolvement’ is naturally going to occur.
on 14 Nov 2005 at 7:04 am 2.bob said …
Enablers don’t realize they are enablers. They either truly believe they are trying to help or are in denial that there is a problem or look the other way as to not get involved and face the truth. Or maybe they simply don’t know what to do.
Michael had a drug and alcohol problem. He was in and out of programs and AA dealing with it. In his notes after his father died, he lamented afterwards that he wished he hadn’t drank so much that by the time he was supposed to go to Thanksgiving dinner, he was to drunk to go and had passed out, missing the opportunity to spend time with his Dad.
My aunt, in a letter to Uncle Fred, apologized for being so difficult to deal with and that she would try harder. She hoped that by moving down to Arizona they would have a new start together and things would change. I think living in a constant state of stress got to Uncle Fred. Cousin Freddie seemed to never get a break. Everything he tried to do right turned out to eat him up.
This year has unfolded in such a way that for me, has made mortality impossible to overlook for now. The generation that parented my generation are starting to drop like flies. That fact is not hard to understand. Their age helps make it understandable but not any easier to accept. But, the premature and unexpected death of Uncle Fred, Michael and Cousin Freddie, and the reality of those deaths that struck me in a real way while I was somewhat isolated from my own family really hit home. Add to that observing the decline of my own parents and the affect it is having on my relationship with my brother and sister..
I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things. Being in a house alone with a lot of memories and a lot of evidence of the lives down there, and the 21 hours on the road in a 17foot U-haul pulling an 86 Buick, I tried to put all this in perspective.
Self-righteousness breeds judgements that can destroy or at least seriously damage relationships and stiffle ones life and make for a very lonely person.
Denial prevents resolution. ie.”I don’t have a problem, it’s everyone else that has a problem.” Or Enabler, fear of confrontation also prevents resolution for fear of confrontation might only make things worse and they don’t think they can handle that and continue to suffer.
Yes Aunt Diane does have a new sense of togetherness as a result of her kids having kids. But has that only masked the issues that existed before? Have they magically disappeared?
The family bond begins at birth. The strength of that bond is determined by the involvement of its members to make it stronger or weaker. You made a good point about your smoking. You decided you didn’t need to smoke.
I don’t need grandchildren to want to have more time with my own children and have opportunities to, not relearn, but learn what y’all are up to and what is going on in your lives and to just have fun together. And if there are underlying issues, to address them for the betterment of the relationship and strengthen the family bond. And when Grandchildren come along, they will come into a family that is truely close and real without tensions.
Anyone up for a game of “RISK?”