Bilge 01 Mar 2007 07:04 pm
Voyages of the Past
Over these, almost 2 years now, I have been dealing with “stuff” related to my past and the past of those I have lost in these years and before these years and of those still with me of my generation and prior generations. This process has helped me in some cases reconnect with a part of my life that makes me who and what I am, and also helps me understand me a little better. It has also raised questions that beg for answers yet to be discovered.
Most importantly, I think, it has made me realize how long I have been “Living in the now”, forgetting where I came from and not thinking much about “tomorrow”, the future as much as I should have these past years.
I’m 54 years old now. I was blessed with having both my parent living as long as they have. This month of March marks the first full year of my mother passing on. A lot has happened during these 12 months. It started just 3 days before she passed on. I went into the hospital to have an angioplasty on both renal arteries to the my kidneys due to my out of control high blood pressure. The blockage was such, that had I not had this done, I would probably be chatting with mom rather that typing this post now.
The high points of the year have been that Dad got his hearing back to some degree thanks to the miracle of a cochlear implant, he is living in a very nice/good assisted living apartment. That is a high point. The summer went fairly quiet as I enjoyed my time at the lake cabin on more weekends than before while joyfully anticipating becoming a grandfather for the first time. But first, 3 days before that I suffered a TIA, which is, in lay mens terms, a “mini stroke.” And while I sense some affects of that, I was able to be present when my little bundle of joy joined us in a life I will do all I can to make adventurous for him.
My father, my grandsons great grandfather, is in early stages of alzhiemers. He cannot live at his home alone, so he is living at an assisted living. The home he and mom made for themselves and the house has been empty for most of the last hear and for the last four months, I and my siblings have been going through the home and “discovering” what all is there and deciding what should be done with it all. That process has been a mixed blessing bringing back good memories we all have when we see some of this stuff, and good conversations from each other as we go through things. It has brought back some sad ones too. And some regrets, reflections, and, yes, yearnings for the “good old days. I dealt with a lot of that with the Arizona stuff, but I was alone, and, as now, came across a lot of puzzle pieces that explained some things and created more questions that may never be answered.
So what is the point of this post? What does the past have to do with now or the future?
It is a dangerous thing to only live in the past and hang onto all that. It is not so to have good memories of the past and recall those times. We all have sad memories in our past. That is life.
Over the years that I was raising my children, I tried to have times with them that made memories for them. I drew on the times my parents and my favorite Grandma and did what they did or would have done that I have good memories of.
Memories alone are enough. The thoughts we recall of times or a time that pops into our head as we reflect on fond moments are sufficient. I just wanted to clear that up front. But, how wonderful it is when we see a picture or a film or object we can hold in our hand and recall that one special moment or period of our life that brings a smile and maybe a tear as we relive that. If we are smart, we take that moment, that experience of “time standing still” or time travel back to then, and gather strength from that memory.
To those of you who know me, it may appear that I am currently or have always been, obsessed with my past. I can understand that. But I ask you to understand, with the events of the current and the past few months, especially, I have been dealing with deciding what I should try and save and “let go” of the items that have past my eyes. I have been dealing with what is significant to my asendents and decendence.
Bottom line, when I die, I go without anything. The stuff I am gathering or collecting or accumulating with have to be sorted out and will have to be dealt with then. They too will have to decide what might matter to or be meaningful to who it might be passed on to.
The stuff I gather is evidence of those who left it to me and represent their life and is a part of our family history and might explain why some in the past do what they do or did what they did and how it has brought us to this.
Most of those in my past did some great thing. some did their own thing and did some damage or minor damage or questionable things.
But, who is perfect?
So the voyages of the past is the voyages of those who have, in my mind and heart, lead us to where each of us are where we are now at this moment in time.
For me, I have learned what I can of my/our past. And I am taking that knowledge from here and applying it to my/our future.
I have no control over what you do with your experiences with me. You have to decide that. I can only pledge to you, that I want to do my best for you and for those you love, as I love you.
We all have to be true to ourselves and our God or the god of our life. That determines our voyage in and of life and who we have on our ship in that voyage. The wind will shift. Storms will come up unexpected. You and your mates will have to work together to set your sails and adjust your course to do the best you can to “stay the course.”
To plot a course, we have to have determine our starting point and we have to determine a purpose for that course. As Americans, our families before us plotted a course to cross the oceans to pursue the opportunities here. Here we are as a result of that. They had a dream. Some may have abused it, some may have taken it for granted, and others saw it for what it was/is.
What will we set our sails for?
Rest assured, from what I have found so far, those that have gone before us have been pioneers, leaders, and with ambition, have done the right thing at the moment in their lives and for their lives. I don’t know if they gave much thought about me or you, but they did give some thought or have some level of conscience of the affects their actions would be remembered for.
The Jews and others that have passed on information about the traditions and beliefs they held important. They did so verbally until finally someone wrote it down. Physical evidence has been uncovered from the earth to confirm the documented facts in its various forms.
The stuff I am collecting or the voyages of my folks before me, I pass on to you all for their future.
A lot of things have been going through my mind in these past few/many months. I have come to a lot of realizations.
In looking at the past and the evidence from my past I realize how important my future is too. And I look forward to my future. What is left of it.
I don’t have a “personally significant other” in my life. But I do have others that are personally significant in my life. Those special people are my own children and that extends to those they love most. And each has a special person in their life who are also special to me.
Both my Grandma’s lost their husbands early in their lives. I never knew my Grandpa’s. I knew about them from what I have heard or discovered. My Grandma’s, both lived a long life single but not totally alone because they valued the life and relationships with their children and Grandchildren in their way and purpose.
I feel the same thing for my life at this moment. And I am moving forward for my family in a similar way with some “corrections” to the set of the sail so-to-speak.
If someone might come into my life, she will have to understand a lot of things, as I would have to understand a lot about her life and family value. That is a lot to work through, even if it the first and only relationship.
I am looking forward to sharing my past and my ancestors past with whoever is interested, and I will give them what I have been given the priviledge and resonsibility to pass on.
Some stuff I have collected only has personal/family history value and if on the market wouldn’t bring in anything much unless it spoke to the heart of the potential buyer. Otherwise, some of this stuff is junk to some.
My attitude is, some of this stuff is stuff from our family past. I also have stuff from the memories of my kids and me that are important and significant of “our days” too that you all may want to share with your kids, my grandkids.
I have stuff from my past I will display and tell my kids and grandkids about. There is stuff I will archive and store and record/document what I know about it. And I will give or distribute that to those who want to have and pass on.
I am learning a lot about my family and about me. I hope it will mean something to someone to whom I can pass it on too.
If it doesn’t matter to you, maybe it will to your child, my grandchild.
I have learned to look past ME. The next might want to know… It night help them to adjust their sail in their moment of decision.