Bilge 07 Aug 2007 05:14 pm
A Spinning Compass
Its kind of like the reports we hear about someone’s experience who survived the Bermuda Triangle. Disorientation, malfunctioning compass, strange occurrences and visions that appear so real yet, uncertain if it is or not.
Reality is up for grabs and they are all alone to try and define it for their survival. They just want to get out and back to familiar circumstances of their reality as they understand it. That is kind of how I feel and yet it seems that defining “familiar”, perhaps “stability” is illusive.
Perhaps the experiences in the Triangle are more like all the senses are being “overwhelmed” and thus the disorientation feeling. So much input, so many choices with unknown results or consequences of the choices, that choosing a direction is just not within the capacity of the individual. In short, just too much going on at once.
When it seems like everything is a priority, how does one choose where to start? And the longer it takes to choose, the more priorities pile on. And the freely given and simplified advice is always just pick one and work at it a little at a time. Little by little and I will get it done. I do know that the longer things are put off, it doesn’t get better. In fact, it can fester and get even way worse!
Not since my patio project have I been able to stay that focused on anything as well. However, there is a “beacon” of hope. Over the last couple of years I have taken on the responsibility of caring for the “place at the lake” we lovingly call The Cabin or Grandma and Grandpa’s place at the lake. For some it will soon become known as “Bob’s Place” I assume, or Dad’s Place for others maybe, or even “Grandpa’s Place.” For me and perhaps others it will just be called “The Lake”. And the simpler the better. Anyway, I got off track. My love for “the lake” is a part of me and what makes up a big part of my life and my fabric, so it is easier to care for and want to do things there than here at my own “home” as it were. Maybe it is the available time at each place that is the difference. I don’t get much time at the cabin so there is more motivation to do things that need to be done there while I am there, and here at home it is like, I will always have time to do stuff here so what’s the hurry? And yet, this stuff is here in my face bugging me and I just want it to go away, or I want to get away from it rather than face it down and fight through it.
All of it is my own damn fault. Even though not all of it is my own doing. I have allowed a couple others to junk it up too and that is also my fault.
Like I said earlier, the advice I get is easier said than done. But no less true. I know these things and yet, I can’t chose. I don’t know if it is a mental block or mental damage that makes it hard to organize my thoughts and steps to get started, so I just avoid it or do nothing. It is unfortunate that I have the confusing factor of a “mini-stroke” in my history now at a time when some “aging issues” might be part of the equation too. I’m not looking for excuses, I’m looking for answers. The simple truth is, I don’t know were to begin, and I never had this problem before. Even in a state of procrastination, I always knew where to begin and how/what order I would do it if and when I got started.
It is a weird state of mind I find myself in. Even at the lake I have this issue. When I have “captive labor” there with me and they ask me what they can do to help, I can go through a list of things in my head that I know should be done but I don’t know for sure which one to have them do, so I lay it out and ask them what would they like to do?
I think at this stage of my life and if money was no object, I would hire someone to do most of what needs to be done and have it done right that way. I still have the ability to identify what needs to be done and how it should be done. And I still have the ability to do things if someone can tell me what to do and how to do it. Strange huh that I can’t put things together myself for some reason?
Something is missing and I can’t put my finger on it just yet. But I won’t give up or give in.
There were the days in the past I was a qualified procrastinator and I learned that if I had the urge to do something, to sit down and start counting until the urge passed. I also subscribed to the wisdom in “just drink through it” when faced with problems and difficulties to be worked through. I aspired to accomplish good and almost great things with the saying of an ad “Just Do It!” and was successful. But now it is like those moments we all have had when we get up and walk into another room for some reason and totally forgot why. And in some of those cases you almost feel like you are loosing your mind because you just can’t recall what you were going to do or why you would be where you are standing. And all you know is that it was very important and you just can’t think of what the hell it was! For things I have no control over, I resort to the adage “this too shall pass” and for the most part, that is true. And therefore I don’t invest myself in worry over a lot of things I can’t do anything about anyway. But at my age, I no longer have that luxury nor the luxury of procrastinating. I have too much to do, too much that needs to be done and too much that should be done and too much that I could be doing and enjoy if all this other stuff was done. And I need a compass that works for me or someone with a working compass to guide me through this cloud in my Bermuda Triangle.
Maybe I will go buy some paint today or maybe clean up a room or two or three or the kitchen or pay some bills or finish a letter or organize some files or gather all the trash or dust or make another list and organize that. I could do my laundry…oh wait, I have to fix the dryer first. Or…? I dunno, I just dunno…
Dear Lord, show me the Way. Amen